I am so overwhelmed today by the goodness of God! He is so good...even in the midst of pain & chaos! He really loves me and He really loves you! Sometimes I just have to see those words on paper (in this case on screen). We forget so easily. Days...weeks..sometimes months go by and we don't realize how much He loves us. Oh, and He really DOES have a plan for my life! Phew! I don't have to fall back on my plan b, and plan c... He will finish what He has started in my life!
The Lord has been speaking to me lately about not trying to have everything perfect before coming to Him. (I would be trying for the rest of my life...) Some days I feel like I am working on a major presentation, trying to get this amazing proposal when He just wants me to come to Him like a child...and ask/say/pray whatever it is on my mind.
I was sort of a slacker in school..for years...until Junior year of high school and it was like, one day I woke up and realized that my grades would/could determine my future. So, I got REALLY organized and all of a sudden- over night became an excellent student. By senior year, everyone in a class with me called me a perfectionist... I really went above and beyond to make sure everything I did was exactly right. It wasn't until a year or so ago that I realized I have been doing that with the Lord-- trying to have everything perfect before I could approach Him, and in that I began to drift away from Him. It doesn't take a genius to realize I cannot become perfect...so I began to only go to Him with really simple things...nothing too deep because it would be too messy.
Have you ever tried to get all of your ducks in a row before making a big decision? Well, I try subconsciously to get all of my ducks in a row before making any decision! Which makes every step much harder than it has to be. The Lord has been trying to pull this out of my hands for a while now, and from time to time I have given it up...but today I had a moment of breakthrough. As I said in my last post, we are in the process of moving...and I want DESPERATELY to have everything in perfect order--apartment picked- money set aside for ______, _______ & ______! And the Lord has been telling me over and over it is not going to be what I think. So, today...I finally surrendered. ::sigh:: I gave it all to Him! Every detail, every worry, every fear! Once I said it... "I surrender..." I realized that my biggest fear was that if I took my hands off of it and gave it totally to Him, His plan would suck and I would be stuck in a bad situation. Excuse the language. So, it all comes down to trust.
And those who know your name put their trust in you,
for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.
—Psalm 9:10
Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion,
which cannot be moved, but abides forever.
As the mountains surround Jerusalem,
so the Lord surrounds his people,
from this time forth and forevermore.
—Psalm 125:1-2
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
—Proverbs 3:5-6
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the Lord forever,
for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
—Isaiah 26:3-4
So...there it is. I have written it... it is permenant. I am FULLY surrendering all control...EVERYTHING! My life is in Your hands, Lord! You are my Shepherd! I will follow where You lead. I believe You DO have a plan for me...You will bring me through every dark valley. You are GOOD!
PS... I wish I had a picture of this, but I will just write it. While I was "surrendering" Alex walked in...and I was laying in the floor, Anna was crawling over me and there were about 30 of her toys spread out everywhere... He said, "Oh man! What happened here?" I said, "Surrender..." and he said, "Awe..well that's good!" haha... I love him!
